Caffeine is life...

Just before starting to write anything, I need to point out how stupid someone is. The so-called "fatzombiehunter" (wow, fat zombie, is that me? Looooooool, that is SO original, gniark gniark!) has nothing better to do in their life than creating an actual account for spamming my blog with stupid comments.
And they actually think that it will hurt me, that I'll go whining about it and feel lame about myself.

Well, this is not happening even in your wildest, hottest dream.

This is my blog, I am free to write anything I want and I'm not ''spamming'' anyone. I am not forcing anyone to read it, and I don't think I have a mailing list or anything like that. And I am not advertising this blog at all, the adress is barely on my facebook profile.

You're an obsessive idiot who keeps stalking my blog for anything I write. Only your little game is leading you nowhere. If you think I'm gonna hang myself in my closet because you're calling me fat or anything else, well forget about it. I can be certain of one thing: I'm a million times better than you or any other detractor.

You need to go in a special asylium for obsessive people.

You just make me feel a lot of pity for yourself. I mean, you're 18, young, you should be having fun in your life... But you're gonna be the miserous one... And I don't worry at all about myself.

So let me say this straight one last time: I decide the rules of the game here. And they are VERY simple: keep writing crap, if you want, but all what I'll do is delete it. And block you, even if you create a THOUSAND accounts.

I am NOT gonna stop writing.
And I am NOT affected in any ways by your stupidity.

lately and I told myself, wow, that is totally dramatic, I mean, if technically I weren't the person actually living all of this...
I mean, it's been a long time I haven't talked about light things, such as regular fooling around... Yeah, I should do this more... I just need to solve a few things, but then, total fun...

I mean, I'm gonna pull out something like, ''life is too short to keep worrying, we must have fun''.... Isn't that right? Yeah, not so simple but not pointless...


Uuuh yeah so basically voilà. I didn't want my most beloved readers to think I'm playing drama queen....

I need to go to sleep. It's 11:30 soon and I need to wake up in less than nine hours to go jogging...

Tired, and exhausted, and freaked out...........


Yes, I'm afraid of a misunderstanding.
Seventeen days before school starts, and I am still waiting... Since June 26th, I have been waiting, and nothing comes. Things had been a bit weird, but I guess it's not that dramatic, and I hope I didn't guess wrong...
Normally, it should have happened much earlier. But still, school starts in seventeen days, and nothing, rien, niet, nada...

I'm just afraid to loose a person who's very dear to me because of a misunderstanding (such as? I don't know...), and even if I try to tell myself that the absence of reply is just a question of time or anything purely practical, I remain afraid...
I mean, it would be completely dramatic. And I'm afraid to spend a year in the same environement and being in a fight.

I want my year to be as peaceful and perfect as possible. As a matter of fact, I can't wait for it to start, maybe just for the relief that there's nothing wrong, that everything's fine, that it was just a practical issue...


Please, "One", type a word or two and hit ''reply''. Just let me know there's nothing wrong. Or if there is, ask me about it. You know (I hope) I'd never do anything to hurt you in any ways. So it must be a misunderstanding. I am just too freaked out that we'd have issues, me and you, I mean this thought is simply... terrifying.
I don't know what I'd do, except do everything I can to solve it peacefully... Because you're too much of a great person and loosing you would be terrible.

I'm afraid. Seriously. I don't know what else to say. You probably know what I'm thinking. So please. If it's just not a practical issue, please, read in my mind and learn whatever truth you want, or just...
Whatever, I'm saying awkward stuff now, but try to understand. I mean, you're not even reading this, I don't even think you know this blog exists, but I need to take this out...


I just hope that within the next seventeen days, everything will be fine, and I'll laugh at my own "drama queen" attitude when I'll read this article...

Stupid of, despite adopting the way of thinking that in order to survive as a woman in the 21st century you must trust no one but yourself (and consider any ''positive'' things as bonuses), trusting someone one more time and ending up betrayed...

Especially that it's a person that I considered as one-of-a-kind, the only person in my closest entourage to whom I confided the most important secrets ever...

I ask for help, and the first reaction I get is something close to understanding. Then suddently, the woman is like ''yeah, you know, about this, I just didn't take you seriously'''...

I have been the one stupid enough to take ''her'' seriously to the point of trusting her. Another time, instead of counting solely on myself, I trusted her because I thought she was intelligent and open-minded and understanding. Or she made me believe so until now...

Now I need to fear whether she thinks our private conversations aren't ''serious'' enough and thus she can share their content with almost anyone... As if I needed more problems.

I started wishing I were going to college this fall 2009 instead of doing my senior year. I am scared that something bad happens this year and if it does, I will not be strong enough to handle it... Eventhough this school is the place where I have been the happiest and I need to do a last year before going to an unknown place where nothing is like (aka as good as) the lycée, I feel like if there's something bad going on, I need to have a lot of distance...

Or I don't know if I just wish for august to pass quickly, to see if something (good) will happen or not and if it doesn't, to figure out an emergency plan.


Again, I wish I could turn 60 years old instantly. Not only because when you're an older lady people take you more ''seriously'', but because all these worries now would be vague memories, like some worries I had when I was six are for me right now...

[I absolutely don't mean to sound like a psychotic nazi or something. I am just very skeptical and wish to express my frustration. That's what a blog is for...]

It just came through my mind that there's no such thing as ''childhood'', or at least, it doesn't have this positive definition... Childhood is when people mistake you for a fool and you like it. In your teenage years, you start wanting to be reckognized as a self-respecting and especially be respected as a human being, and people won't accord you this luxury. Adulthood is probably when you start treating children and teenagers like fools because you're frustrated of the way you were treated by adults earliers.

A few exceptions exist, and they're called intelligent people.

In order to be intelligent and thus successful, you need to trust yourself, only yourself. You can use positive comments and attitudes towards you as boosts, but not become dependent to these to the point of stumbling when there's a ''withdrawal'', a.k.a. someone you trusted betraying you (like the person I was talking about up there, who since I am like, six or seven, made me believe that I could trust her in ways I could not even trust my parents and she would understand me, and today, when I trusted her with the most intimate thing ever, she's just like ''I'm not taking you seriously).

I wish one day I could be confident enough to stop being dependant on the moral support of other people, since, as life has proven me many times, I never know when something is gonna take a dramatically different turn and I'm gonna find myself without something I used to lean on too much...

I need to be strong. That's it. Strength and toughness. This is what makes women survive.

Sunday, August 2nd, 2009
10:30 AM
Weather: humid, rainy... just as I love it!

So in an attempt to fix my sleeping cycle that was a bit weird (sleeping at 5:AM and waking at 4:PM, I know, no comments), I slept early yesterday... Or actually fell asleep while watching "Sound of Music"... the last thing I remember is the bedroom scene where Maria sings "My favorite things" with the children before the super-hot and super-mean Captain Von Trapp busts them... Gosh, I wish men like him still existed today...

Anyways now I am not gonna talk about guys/men/chromosome XY...

Right now I am drinking coffee... and I am actually writing this article because last year, I did the same, I wrote an article thirty days before school, so I am trying to make it a tradition...

A little bit special, though, because these are the last "thirty days before [HIGH] school"...

So that brings me to think about this last year....
They say that it goes fast. My three years in the US and in high school went extremely fast.
I can still remember my first week (especially because the rainy weather reminds me of it...) in this school... And I smile everytime I remember how tiny and clumsy I was.
It is true that this school (or more specially some persons I met at this school) changed me completely, and made me stronger. Much stronger. And ambitious. Helped me believe in myself and my capacities. It is true, now I believe in myself more than ever (eventhough sometimes I have doubts...).
Anyways, if I kept talking about the impact of Rochambeau, I would take all the available space on the web...

So this is why I am feeling nostalgic that this is the last year, and it's going to come to an end. Again, I can't believe time went so fast... And the thing is, I don't have as many memories of my eleven or so years in my previous school back in Lebanon than here...
I visualize my previous school as a whole continuity, and technically, it was: a tiny school, almost the same classmates (except in 4eme), the same teachers for years... and the same problems...
While here, everything is different. Everyday there's a surprise, a ''rebondissement''.

Needless to say, this is the school where I have been the happiest. And I love it...


So that brings me to think about after this last year. I have a lot of college choices, my top 3 being NYU, University of Chicago and Haverford College...
And I am somewhat impatient and curious about going to college. I believe that I have a chance to be accepted where I want, although I am stressing a lot about it... I am curious about discovering finally what it is, the whole life, the interesting classes, everything....


Okay, what else...

Do I need to make a bilan about how I changed in a year? Let's see:

Important points:

- TPE and Bac: after freaking out and feeling somewhat worthless after thinking that I failed TPE and thus I will fail the bac, I finally learned that I need to believe more in myself (as would a teacher of mine always repeat it), and the results were surprising but PERFECT (c.f. previous article). So eventhough this happened in the last month and a half or so, it was the bloody hell of a boost. I am still lacking confidence sometimes, but much less than before...

- Facing the toughness of première: yes, it was stressful. The most stressful year I had. Yes, there was times where I'd go home completely depressed and feeling worthless, or sometimes I'd feel completely sick and exhausted... But that toughened me up... Much more... I thought that 1ereL would be easy. Technically, it's not. But I am passionate about what I'm studying so the toughness is a much smaller obstacle. It's definitely not as quiet, serene and zen as I imagined, but I wouldn't do something different if I could go back in time.

- I became much, much more ambitious: for example, Barack Obama's election showed that anyone can become president, even a person like me, who isn't born in the US. I believe in change and I have a presidential ambition, and will work on it...

- Talking of politics, I became more skeptical and learned not to believe everything the politicians promise, but rather make my own political opinion depending on the most important things for me...

- Love: I had a serious reality check and learned two things: 1) although it's tempting to believe in true love, it won't come so easily and will hurt like hell, thus 2) it is important, especially if you want to survive as a woman in the 21st century, to think with the logical side of your brain rather than the emotional.
It is tempting, as a young girl, to believe all the romantic stuff a guy will tell you, but when you find out the guy did all this just because he wanted to get something very precise from you, you become 1) furious against yourself, 2) skeptical, 3) much immune to some nice words and sweet attitude.
Bottom line: I'm okay with dating, but I am keeping my distances emotionally. I am not falling in love because that would mean sacrifying logic, which could be fatal.
I used to have a romantic nature, dreaming of the perfect wedding dress, the perfect husband and a nice little family, but now I know that first, I need to be independant (on all levels) before I get married. This means, finishing my studies and have an excellent job... I'm okay with dating anytime, and even being in a serious relationship, but never to the point of forgetting my ambitions and doing something stupid because I'm "in love".





So now, I can't really think of other things... Basically, I thoughened up on all levels this year... And it's a good thing. You can never be too tough...

If you wanna survive as a woman in today's society, toughness is a must.