Caffeine is life...

a precise subject, I end up not following it very frequently. Anyways, right now, I don't know... I am waiting for something to happen and it is not happening. I am wondering about the true feelings and intentions of someone and... God (should I say Goddess), it ends up always giving me the worst emotional headaches.
School is starting in less than fourty days and what I need is to relax. Okay, I actually need to learn how to relax, which means putting away trouble, drama, etc... and just breathe. The problem is that with a strong character, sometimes I can't stay away from trouble. Anyways I think trouble is much less than it was when I wrote my previous article.
Anyways, there are quite some things to be greatly happy about... Like the grades for the bac. Check out the picture.......... (yes, I blurred my last name because I should be REALLY stupid to put my name somewhere anyone can see it... Hey, I am putting my birthdate, isn't that enough?)
My average is now 16.58, which means if I keep it equal or higher, any college would easily take me in France... Although my first choice is NYU in the dear old US...

Which leads me to talk about my mixed feelings about college. I am almost 80% sure that NYU is THE one, but it's only because I haven't checked out U. of Chicago yet... Apparenly they make single suites available for freshmen, which means I'll have much more place for my 40 pairs of shoes, and they're for basically the same price than regular rooms, which is like having my own appartment in Chicago for a very low price... Now it comes with a few downsides, like of course, no alchohol (okay, I don't drink, but what if I want to do some fondue or coq-au-vin?), no candles allowed (but I don't think we can have a bathtub, for some aromatherapy... that's okay, it will be a once-in-a-while treat when I come back to DC for Thanksgiving or Christmas...), no cars for freshmen (but I'd rather wait a few years and save up for a little beauty (color MUST be bright pink with silver strass, glitter, and hey, I already have a GREAT bumper sticker) rather than be driving a bulky draggy smelly horror... And anyways, it's somewhat unuseful to have a car on a college campus in a big city like Chicago, and I'm not even saying New York, where it's a real pain since you can't even find a parking place.

Anyways, I am more excited for NYU for the moment. I have a good feeling they'll accept me. I mean, they've accepted people at my school who are about my level so I think I have a chance... I just need to improve my SAT/ACT scores, but I got the bloody hell of AP scores: 3 in european history, 4 in world history, 4 in french litt and 5 in french language... The three is only "qualified", four is "well qualified", and 5 is "very well qualified"... so that's great, given the fact that I decided to take the two history tests only two weeks or so before the test... so that was even less time to study... Gosh, these weeks have been so crazy...

And that's it, I mean after being so deeply in the crazyness, it's becoming weird not to be in the crazyness anymore...
But the crazyness is gonna come soon enough, so I think I need to do something I am really bad at, which is relaxing, cooling off and enjoying the present moment....




Okay, right now, I am watching season three of Sex and The City. It's as addictive as coffee when you're at school.
Hey, I've been cutting off coffee and Red Bull... which isn't very effective since I'm gonna start again the moment I'll put my foot back in the lycée... But it's better to stop, even if it's only for two months. I think it'll be worse when I get in college...

Anyways, the episode I am watching now is called "Sex and Another City", the girls are fooling around in LA so I need to give them some attention... Then eventually go to sleep. I don't know if there was a real point in this article, but it isn't always necessary, you know? I mean, it's not a history essay...

Sur ce, bonne nuuiuit les petits!

I've tried many times to write something but I didn't publish it. I want to scream out some things but I feel like I can't, it would be displaced. The fact is, things are becoming too tough on me right now. I live with a person whose ambition in life is to harass me and she almost destroyed me two years ago.
The difference was that two years ago, I was at school, surrounded by caring people who kept holding me up until she stopped.
And now she starts again. At the moment where I am the most vulnerable because it's the summer vacation and I am alone. And I don't know if I will be able to last fourty days, and even if I do, I still need to last a year before college.
I need to be strong. But at the same time, she makes me feel completely worthless. And I am scared. I can't stand it anymore but I am trapped with her...
I just want to be at school. First, logically, because I am away from her ten hours a day, five days a week. Then, because I have always felt so happy in this school, where for the first time I had the feeling I was worth something and I could be what I want to be. Also, because focusing on what I like the most (schoolwork, lol) allows me to fully get my mind away from her... And because of some people there...........

Gosh, I can't believe things just change so badly. I can't believe how absurd the situation I am in is. I feel like I am the puppet of some psycho who can do everything she wants to destroy me. And the most terrifying thing is that I feel like things are repeating themselves and it's haunting me.


I wish I could turn 60 instantly. Just for the relief that maybe all what I'm going through right now would just be the memory of a tiny misadventure...

Mademoiselle has:
-Court-métrage to finish ASAP (found three actors at the time being, hopes that two important female characters will be played by the actresses she really wants to have... I'll update...)
-Bac de français épreuve écrite on monday, June 8th, math and physics-chemistry-biology on 9th, épreuve orale on 10th...
-AP World History and European History exams on the 20th and the 21st... A week to learn 8000 years of the history of a few dozen civilisations and historical zones...

At least, at the end of this very exhausting week, we'll have the GRADUATION and the PROM!!!
Let's talk about that. Well, it is true that american girls stress much more than we do on these two related events, maybe because they happen to be the last moments they spend in high school. We, on the other hand, get diplomas and hear speeches with all the warm and fuzzy thing, then party for a second. And afterwards, the whole vacation seems to last a minute and we're back in senior year, with the stress of the bac blancs, college application, and mostly the fact that in a year we won't be there, and most of us don't know where they'll be in a year.

When I think of it, the idea of going to college is exciting, but the idea of leaving the lycée is kinda scary. I mean, this school meant a lot to me, I don't need to repeat how it helped me define who I really am in every way...
I just imagine myself at fall break 2010, coming back from college (ideally NY or Chicago) to spend some time in DC, cuddling up again in my dear bedroom and taking a bubble bath... and then coming to visit the lycée, seeing old faces, etc...
Ok, I really need to get there before.

Well anyways now, I am under waaay too much pressure, and it's all over. My head is hurting, and no bloody medicines are working. My muscles are hurting, my back is hurting. My vision goes blurry sometimes. And I'm freaked out of not being perfect enough. The second after TPE, I snapped. I had been holding a tremendeous amount of pressure and stress since september and when I went out of the bloody classroom, I cracked. Of course, I cracked at home many times but it was always for indirect reasons, and that day I was just unable to stand all the pressure anymore.

I mean, you know how you try to enjoy relaxing, etc? Well I'm bloody unable too! I mean, let's say for once in a lifetime i decide to take a bubble bath. No matter how wonderfully confortable it can be, I still can't get my mind away from all the stress of school. School. Studies. French. History. (bloody) TPE. Everything. I try sports, I go skating and see myself thinking of school instead of focusing on my skating. I dream of the worst possible scenarios as I'm at school or passing my bloody bac.
Even when....., I find myself thinking of school. That one's really corny. No comments.

It's funny how certain things loose their importance at your eyes. Like trouble with family. That was waaay too stressful last year, and now I'm like, wtvr, things'll eventually get better.
Same for idiots at school. And for that obsessive maniac who keeps reading my blog and leaves nasty comments : first of all, you're a real coward: You've got something to tell me, say it out loud and don't play your little "Anonymous". Second of all, did I ask you your opinion? Third of all: You're lame and you suck. Go have a life and get over with spamming me.

It's not as if you're affecting me in any ways. You're barely a waste of time.

Ugggh. Bloody idiots. And the world's full of those. Eww. Psycho.


Mademoiselle is tired. So is the battery of her laptop. Thus Mademoiselle is going to sleep for a few hours...

OMG, I said ''I'' and not Mademoiselle...
Well anyways, I'm coping with a giant load of work, and happiness because we're about to have the cutest president in the world and in the history of humanity (okay, Louis XIV was kinda cute, ok, seductive, but he, a republican? He would consider it as an insult... Sorry my darling spiritual husband number... I don't know anymore. Doesnt matter...)
So tomorrow I'm gonna try to catch a glimpse (is that a right expression) of that great wonderful man who's maybe (yeah, well it's always hard to politicians to keep their word..) gonna change a lot of stuff in this country...
For example, college costs... Well it's true that there are always solutions for everybody but the 4-year tuition at NYU... That's could be a lot, a lot of shoes...
But an NYU degree followed by another nice degree from a good graduate school, that can end up being a lot a lot a lot of shoes + some intellectual developpement + good experiences + personnal pride...

Well before having the whole Manolo Blahnik collections (like Carrie Bradshaw), I better work my way through première and terminale...

Okay, what else does Oh-Bum-Bum darling bring to us...?
Health care... Well I just hope that the services will be more satisfying...
I remember that once I had to go to Georgetown Hospital... And I felt like I was about to catch a virus right there... Anyways facilities definitely need a nice coat of paint and some sanitizing... Actually the whole health system needs updating.
Anyways, I'd really like it if plastic surgery became free.
Okay, I have my full-confidence moments and my full-hating-my-body-omg-I-look-terrible moments. Well I guess everyone does. Even guys (that's a good sign given the careless monkeys that exist today... Well maybe if they care of their bodies, there is a tiny hope for a woman's feelings...).
Anyways, plastic surgery, used with extreme moderation, could make me feel a little bit better about myself.

I'm talking of the ''put all what's there here'' operations (1+1) (that's a metaphor, since we can't technically recycle what's ''there'', that's infortunately not yet possible), that we can also call switch downside-up... I am sure you get what I mean. In my very special case, I desire to dramatically reduce ''down'' but slightly increase ''up''... Maybe I'll totally decide not to do it... The third one is about making the shape of something better..but yet I don't know.
The problem is that in the US, it's not only terribly expensive but it's also done so badly sometimes... that the results make you look worse. I know a lovely lady who only wanted to make her nose a little bit shorter... Not a very difficult operation. Well now.... it's terrible. And she can't even fix it. Well, the beauty of her heart can compensate...

Anyways, I'll guess that I'll do major plastic sugery in Lebanon. Doesn't cost a lot and good results are guaranteed. How can I be so sure....? Well it's simple. The lebanese population is very small, nothing compared to the US. So the doctors' population is even smaller. So the plastic surgeons are even less. So it's very easy to bust out bad ones, ones who operate without any degree in their mother's bathroom in an old appartment (dramatization...), and to go straight to the good ones.

But still, I haven't decided yet and I might change my mind loads of time... Anyways it's not that much of an important issue, being intelligent and self confident is more important than anything else... And maybe the solution is just to exercice a little bit and probably wait till I become a thirty-year-old woman who will laugh when thinking about what her little version was saying or writing on her blog...

That, if by then an army of pink-dotted-green dinosaurs don't come and eat the human population, or a meteor doesn't hit earth or whatever.... Lol. Oh my god, I just start laughing at the absurdity of those thoughts while I'm supposed to be freaking out...
Suppposed? Nope, actually. I think we have to enjoy each day of our lives, of course, we have to care about the future but not too much because everything could be worse...

Anyways, now I guess I'm done with spiritual-be-good-little-human-beings-philantropic-philosophy.... I guess I'm definitely enjoying tomorrow... Well, in twenty years I'll be telling my history students who aren't born yet that I was there, for one of the most important days in the country's history...

And in 30-40 years, it'll maybe be my inauguration.... LOOOOOOOL.... Why not? It's true I'm not born in the US but things can change, and fortunately I'll do my best to change them... Who would have thought fifty years ago that a black man would ever become a president? That's a miracle. Made by the humans' will to progress and leave absurdity behind. Maybe tomorrow there'll be another miracle.
I mean, how can the fact that you're born on a spot that's on different latitude and longtitude alter your intelligence and your ability to rule a country? Maybe one day americans will be conscient that this law is as ridiculeous as the one their ancestors believed in, the one that allowed them to treat black people as their inferiors...

Anyways, maybe the White House will become the Pink House.... JUST KIDDING!!!!
(I'll just update the leather on Air Force One... And the color of dollar bills... Why can't we have them more colorful, like euros?)
Okay, those details don't matter A LOT, there'll be the whole world to fix....



But now, I'm enjoying this precise moment... I'm happy, feeling good.... and in love...
but that's a complete different story. No place for lyrism. At least not right now...

There is one thing I know: I am seriously disappointed by someone in my surrounding and ashamed.
Yes, it's difficult to have your kids growing up. But no one ever told you to have kids! When your daughter meets someone, you have to be supportive except if that someone is a dangerous asshole. But when you brag and swear by your daughter's intelligence, that she supposedly inherited from you, you must try to trust her and not consider her as a complete idiot who would go out with anyone.
Instead of encouraging her to find happiness, you act like a stupid racist white trash and forbid her of seeing the guy. You start acting completely paranoid. Your expression, your movements, the look in your eyes - everything wants to make your daughter throw up. You almost admit that you'd rather see her with a stupid fat dirty alchoholic asshole like the one you married and you escaped than with this guy who was very polite with you and very courteous. You threaten her to take her back to hell if she stays with this guy.

I would be ashamed of my own mother acting this way.

And I'd rather become sterile at the second than see/hear myself telling my kids what this woman has said. I'd rather die right now than later encourage my children to be racist and homophobic. But worse, encourage them to repeat the same mistake their mother did and that almost destroyed all their lives.